Category Archives: Audience

Oscar Ambivalence

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So, the Academy Awards – or, as most regular people like to call them, the Oscars – happen on Sunday night.

I still don’t know if I’m going to bother watching them or not.

Once upon a time, this was an easy decision: of course I was going to watch the Oscars.  Before I had any interest in the Super Bowl or the Stanley Cup, I was huge into the Academy Awards.  Before I even knew what fantasy sports teams were, I was organizing and betting in Oscar pools.  (Yes, even before I was old enough to drive.)  My research was meticulous, my scoring schemes elaborate, and most of all, I always made a party of it.  Once upon a time, Oscar night was one of my favorite nights of the year.

And so it was for many years.  Until, slowly, things began to change.  My interest in movies never waned, but my interest (and faith) in how the Academy dealt with them did.  At the same time, while the Academy started to tweak its show to allegedly make it more palatable to television viewers, I found these tweaks to have the exact opposite effect on me.  Eventually, a threshold was reached, and I’m pretty sure that it’s been a decade or more since I bothered watching – or, really, caring about the results of – the Oscars.

So, what did it?  The following list isn’t exhaustive, but I think it covers enough bases to paint a picture.

One year, I opened up my Oscar pool to a new group of friends and acquaintances.  Most people who joined up were genuine movie enthusiasts either like myself or at least savvy enough to be involved in the artistic and/or technical conversation.  One gent, however, had not seen any theatrical releases that year, nor had he bothered with any but one come home video time.  This did not concern him; he was quite certain that he could predict the outcomes based on a formula that had nothing at all to do with artistic or technical merits.  I will not share this formula with you – I feel no need to fuel hateful fires – but I will say that it was based entirely on population stereotyping.  He won by a landslide; he got all but three categories exactly right and came close on the ones he missed.  And while I just can’t bring myself to believe in his horrid stereotyping (which, if I were so inclined, would have made some shifts by the present year that I still can’t bring myself to believe in), it was enough to shake my perceptions, and make me take more notice of other things that bothered me.

I never liked the concept of “Oscar season.”  I always felt as though movies that came out during the first three quarters of the year should have the same shot at non-technical awards (the summer pop flicks tended to get the token of visual and sound awards and maybe one other surprise) as those that came out toward the end of the year “when they would be fresh in voters’ minds.”  This always struck me as rigging the vote, and while it didn’t always happen – hey, Gladiator – it usually did.

I know you can’t stop it, but damn, I was bothered by the flagrant campaigning.  It’s in bad enough taste in the political arena; in art, it reaches the point of being counter to what the mission of art is supposed to be in the first place.  And then there were/are the movies that seem very much as though they were made only to compete for awards.  (I’m less inclined to see things that way now, in most cases, but then, yeah.)

I hated, hated, hated – and still do – the eligibility rules insofar as release dates are concerned.  A release date is a release date.  Being released in a couple of theatres in New York and Los Angeles a month before general release everywhere else does not count as a real release date, no matter what the Academy says.  General release date or nothing.  (And hey, you don’t have to keep with the calendar – why not do what the NHL and NFL do, and arbitrarily decide when the year starts and ends based on the date of the final contest?)

The awards show is for the honorees first and foremost, and not for the television audience.  Yeah, I know, that doesn’t sound like I know a damn thing about business (you’d be wrong, and I have the parchment to back me up), but you know what?  This is art, first and foremost, and the day that it’s not is the day that it’s meaningless.  What this means is that the band needs to shut the hell up when people want to say their thank yous on stage.  If six people won the award, they shouldn’t have to pick a spokesperson; everyone should have a shot.  And I don’t give a damn how much “over time” the ceremony is running, when Martin Landau wins his award, you damn well let him speak!  (Yes, I’m still pissed about that one.)  Far from making the Oscars more “audience friendly,” the moves made by the Academy to make sure the program ended in time for the evening news are what finally pushed me over the edge into thinking that they joined the idiot brigade that cared less about the art and artists than about the broadcast ratings.

Alas, along with the enforced brevity of the stuff that mattered, the powers that be also seemed to suck the life and sincerity out of everything else.  The presenters looked more and more like interchangeable talking heads uncomfortable with their cue cards.  The numbers seemed sanitized and less innovative.  Everything got crushed.

And so, somewhere between the politics and the play for television’s lowest common denominator, I decided that I’d had enough.

Crickets chirp for a decade or so.

What made me consider watching again this year was the rumor of all six James Bonds showing up on stage at once, but now it sounds like that won’t happen.  And I can’t say I believe in a “Best Short Film” category that doesn’t have Wonder Russell’s Revelation (see it here) as a nominee.  But most of my friends will be watching, and all things considered, one could argue that I have something of an obligation to at least take a peek for a variety of reasons…  And dammit, no matter what crazy business and politics happen around them, I do love the movies, and this is their night… And I’ll be home…  With some wine…

Maybe this is the year that I give the little bald guy another chance.  Besides, I’d like to see Adele’s performance.  Yeah, that’s it.

Thank You

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On September 14, 2011, I launched the Doom Cheez Cinema.

During the past twelve months, the site has gone places I’d never expected it to go, and has proven to be a success even beyond my best expectations.  I’ve met some amazing new people along the way, many of whom I now consider to be good friends, and I’ve reconnected with a few old friends, too.  I couldn’t have come this far without them, nor without those other people who visit the site regularly (or even occasionally) but whose names I don’t yet know.

I just wanted to take a moment to thank all of you for a wonderful first year back in the game.

To mark the occasion, I’ve put together my first “Favorites List” of Eighteen Essential Films.  I hope you’ll all take a look at it and enjoy what’s there, and then tell me what you think.  After all, I wrote the list for you.

It’s now September 15, 2012.  Year Two starts today.  Let’s have some fun.

Movie Theatre Etiquette

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It doesn’t matter how big your flat screen is at home: there really is nothing like the real movie theatre experience.  Unfortunately, many people out there like to ruin this experience for everyone else.  Though one would like to think that “acceptable behavior in a movie theatre” falls under the same heading as “civilized common sense,” that fact is that many moviegoers seem to have been raised by wolves.  To help these people out, I’ve prepared this handy (if abbreviated) guide listing ten steps that you can take to help make the movie theatre experience more enjoyable for everyone.

 

1.  Bathe before you get there.  Seriously.  If people can smell you from twenty feet away, you shouldn’t be out in public at all, much less in a crowded spot like a movie theatre.  The rule applies equally to B.O., perfume, and cologne.


2. Show up on time.  No, that does not mean that you can assume that you’ll have at least ten minutes’ worth of trailers and commercials and can walk in to a 7:00 movie at 7:10.  It means you buy your ticket no later than 6:50 and get all of your restroom and concession business taken care of and your ass in a seat by 7:00.

 

3. Be sensible about what movies you’re taking your kids to.  No, I’m not pulling morality crap; I’m talking about using common sense.  Newborns never belong in movie theatres, period.  (That’s just not healthy, never mind the crying.)  If you take a baby with you to see something full of loud explosions like The Expendables, you’re an idiot, and so is the usher who let you into the theatre to begin with.  Toddlers don’t belong in the front row for Hannibal.  The concept you’re failing to grasp here is that of the “babysitter.”

 

4.  If there’s plenty of space, don’t sit by a stranger.  No, this one can’t be logically applied to a sold out show, but in a mostly or even half-empty theatre, you can and should be cool about this.  Where possible, do not sit in the same row as another person or group.  Do not sit in a row immediately in front of or immediately behind an occupied row if you can help it.  Never sit directly in front of or directly behind anyone else.  (Try for at least a two seat horizontal axis buffer.)  Never sit right next to a stranger unless there’s no other option.  (It’s kind of like Dave Barry’s famous rules for which urinals to use in a men’s room, really.)

 

5.  If you have the bladder of a nervous Shih-Tzu but ordered the large soda anyway, take an aisle seat.  I think that one’s pretty self explanatory, don’t you?

 

6.  SHUT UP.  The people around you paid to experience the movie; they did not pay to experience you.  If you absolutely must add your own soundtrack, you have plenty of other options available to you, somewhere else.  Lots of flicks are available on demand before they even hit theatres now; otherwise, it’s gotten to where you’ll see it available to rent inside of three months anyway.  If you want to yap, do it at home!

 

7.  Silence your phone and don’t answer it until you leave.  If you can’t bring yourself to do this, see the point above.

 

8.  Don’t kick seats, and don’t put your feet up unless the row in front of you is entirely unoccupied.  Jerk.

 

9.  Don’t be a slob.  Tossing garbage on the floor, letting your drink cups roll down under the seat in front of you, and especially leaving your soiled condoms behind (yes, I’ve seen this happen) is just not cool.  It annoys everyone else, it’s a safety hazard, and the nice people who work at the theatre are just not paid enough to deal with that crap.  Keep it civilized and use the trash can, huh?

 

10. I SAID SHUT UP!  That one deserves to be repeated, because too many people fail to listen the first time.  Oh, and don’t have loud discussions about the twist ending as you’re walking out of the theatre and shoving past the people waiting for the next showing, either.  That’s just rude.

 

Does all of that make sense?  Good.  Now hush; the movie’s starting.

The Worst Thing I Can Say About Your Project

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Let’s assume that you’re a filmmaker of some sort, whether you’re an actor, a producer, a director, all of the above, or whatever else.  Your project has finally made it to the combat zone that is the land of critical scrutiny.  What do you think is the single worst thing that I or any other critic could possibly say about your project?

If you’re like most people, your gut reaction was to say “It sucked.”  If that’s the case, you’re wrong.

Perhaps you took it a step further and went with something on the order of “That’s the worst crap I’ve ever seen.”  If that’s the case, not only are you wrong, but you’re even more wrong than the first guy was.

I’ve been doing this for over a decade now, and I’ve picked up on a few secrets of audience psychology, though really, there’s nothing secret about them; it’s just a matter of remembering how to think like everyone else, which is a skill that many people – both critics and creators – lose the moment that they enter into their chosen arena.  So what, then, is the single worst thing that I or any other critic can say about your project?

“It’s okay.”

Even the actual words “disaster” and “doom” don’t convey the reality of disaster and doom to a project as swiftly as the phrase “it’s okay.”  There’s just no creative death sentence as sure as being chucked into the pile of dispassionate mediocrity.

Here’s the full equation:

 

Best Ever > Excellent|Great|Good = Worst Ever > Bad > Okay

 

Here it is broken down:

 

Best Ever.  Whether we’re writers or actors or directors or plumbers, it’s the accolade we all strive for, and why not?  It’s really kind of a no-brainer, isn’t it?  The best is the best.  As long as an audience has respect for – or, perhaps even more to the point, no active disrespect for – the critic making the determination, then an accolade like “Best Ever” or even “Among the Best” will grab attention, and it will have an impact.

Excellent|Great|Good.  While these words represent a sliding scale by definition and in the minds of most critics, as well, most audiences when looking at a review tend to lump these and similar words into the same judgmental pile.  An actor, of course, is likely to and should catch the difference in degrees when seeing his or her own performance described, but being honest, the audience at large is far less likely to make that distinction.  It’s a curse of overuse, but on the plus side, all of those words still translate into “go see my movie or watch my show,” so if the audience misses the nuance, it’s still a positive result.

Worst Ever.  You’re either nodding and smiling with understanding or you’re very confused.  Yes, folks, I’m telling you that “Worst Ever” or “Among the Worst” is just as good as and sometimes even better than “Good.”  Why?  There are a few bits of psychology at work here.

First, there is a massive contingent of people out there who are magnetically drawn to crap.  They take phrases like “the worst ever” and “steaming pile of animal waste” as personal challenges.  I know these people well, for I am one of them, and we are legion.  Gaining a reputation as an ultimate stinker in a genre (especially one that doesn’t get a lot of popular respect to begin with) can actually lead to greater success for a film than being called “decent.”  For example, does anyone really think that the Dino version of Flash Gordon is beloved by fans even thirty years later because it’s good?  Hell, no!  People love it because it’s so horrible that it’s come out the other side!  That is the power of “the worst ever.”

Hell, I’ve even had a filmmaker or three thank me for laying that kind of label on their project.  One said “it proves you’re honest” (and hey, that proves that the guy was real about his own stuff), and another said that if a few more people said the same thing, it could easily triple the rentals.

This is also where an audience’s disrespect for a critic can come into play.  I knew a guy in university who always wanted to know what Leonard Maltin thought of any given movie.  It’s not because he liked Maltin, though; it’s because he couldn’t stand him, and so he was automatically suspicious of anything Maltin liked, and almost certain to go see anything Maltin called out as garbage.

Bad.  All of the above applies to a lesser degree to this category.  Much like “Best” is to “Good,” the superlative value of “Worst” has got steroid-ridden muscle.

Again, though, “bad” is far from being a death sentence.  Just ask Kristen Stewart and everyone else associated with Twilight, or the Wayans brothers.

Okay.  Now that you’ve had time to give it some thought, it should be obvious that there’s nothing in the critical universe worse than “okay.”

It often means “your project was so uninteresting that I couldn’t even get pissed off about it.”  At least when a critic hates something, you know that your project was able to stir some kind of emotion in someone.  But when a critic – who is more likely as a matter of course to be trying to find the emotion in something that he or she is watching – can’t be stirred at all, even to complain?  Uh-oh.  After all, isn’t that what we’re supposed to love to do?

Looking at it from another angle, imagine some other aspect of your life, like lunch.  When a friend asks how your boring, unexciting meal is, what are you likely to say?  “It’s okay.”  But you don’t mean it.  Two days later you’re probably not even going to remember what it was.  Now flash forward again and replace that lunch with the project you’ve worked so hard on as a creative professional.  Do you really want someone to find it so uninteresting that they call it “okay,” the kiss of “I’ll forget it before next week”?  I suspect you’d rather they were pissed enough to remember it instead.  At least then you know you reached the person.

At least then, too, you’d have a shot of appealing to the “bad” instincts noted above, whereas “meh/mediocre” is a pretty universal “I’ll pass, thanks.”

 

So the next time you read a review that says “this movie sucks” or “that was the worst performance ever,” remember: it could be worse.  The critic could have spoken in vague generalities and then said “it’s okay,” thereby telling everyone that he or she actually couldn’t give a shit less one way or another.